SporketySpork

To bind or not to bind? That is the question.

I’m 50/50 on whether i want to bind or not when i go up town tomorrow night with my team. I want to because i usually feel better about my chest but there are a few negative points to consider.

Let’s do a pro/con list shall we?

Pro
1- If i feel like i’ll pass well and my hips aren’t making me feel dysphoric then the binder will make me feel epic and complete my appearance.
2- It’s another chance to actually see how well i can pass.
3- I’ve worn my binder in front of my team mates before and there have been no issues.

Con
1- I have a habit of feeling great at the start of the night but then feeling like i don’t pass at all by the end, so wearing my binder would just add to dysphoria because i won’t feel it’s helping at all.
2- As much as i’m not there to ‘pull’, it would be nice to feel more comfortable talking to women without feeling like i’m misleading them or missing an opportunity just because i’m presenting as male.
3- Lately my binder hasn’t been quite as effective as i’d like it to be although it works better with certain shirts.

I might be finding it hard to think properly just because i’m at work but that’s as much as i can do at the moment. I’m still seriously undecided; it’s such a gamble every time i go out.

Someone decide for me and i’ll just go with that xD

(Source: sporketysporkism)

I felt dysphoric during sex for the first time ever the other day.

It was pretty unsettling for me, i didn’t expect to feel that way because my gender identity has never affected how i feel during intimacy before. I’m not entirely sure why i suddenly felt dysphoric but i’m hoping that when i’m with the right person, it won’t be an issue again.

Other than that, i have no complaints about the whole thing, it was a pretty great night and it was wonderful seeing and catching up with the person involved. That was the first night in a long time that i felt happy (other than the dysphoria of course) and it wasn’t just because of sex, she naturally cheers me up when she’s around and she takes my mind off how low i’m feeling. She tried her best to make me feel more positive about my body and she was just really sweet.

Now i just need to try and feel happier like that more often =)

(Source: sporketysporkism)

I dreamt about my ex last night. The one person i’ve been in love with, it was a strange, pleasing yet disappointing dream all at the same time.

I won’t go into detail because my dreams are bizarre as it is and you know how i waffle on. The main points are that we were with a large group of friends in some form of theatre and i felt like me again. I felt really happy, secure and content having her by my side again. I miss her a lot lately.

She took amazing care of me, cheered me up when nothing/no-one else could, understood me better than pretty much anyone and was just the most intriguing and amazing person to me. She also fully accepted and supported my gender identity and helped me feel more like myself. I miss how we were when we spent time together and i definitely miss cuddling with her.

I really wouldn’t mind having a relationship like that again, without the bad ending of course. Although i still don’t think i’m ready for any relationship yet but once i’m past this dating phase…

I must try and blog more frequently.

Okay, so i kind of like a girl on my football team but things aren’t being simple. I’ll call her Betty to keep it simple.

At the moment, i don’t want to get attached to anyone unless we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well and i’m pretty sure that feelings are mutual. I also want to avoid getting attached to anyone who is having any form of drama with an ex.

By that i mean mainly such as the situation with Betty. She was ranting that she wants to get away from where she lives just to get away from her ex. This ex of hers hadn’t exactly treated her properly, flirting with others and calling her a ‘mate’ when flirting with these people. I think Betty said her ex had also actually cheated on her. She also apparently asked Betty on a couple of occasions if they were together or not after arguements because if not then she will go and sleep with a girl she’d pulled/been flirting with. 

I don’t know why she’s done such things or have a clear picture of what they were like together, i mean for all i know Betty could have treated her the same or worse. But she made out that she wants nothing to do with this girl, flirts with me, then brings this ex to our football match the next day. Safe to say i wasn’t impressed.

It’s not like either of us have openly said we like each other and we’re in no way tied to each other but clearly there’s some issues that need to be settled before anything can happen.

Another important thing is i need to gauge her feelings about trans* people so i know how to handle telling her my identity. I won’t tell her unless things appear to be progressing.

I’m scared to care too much about her at the moment; i can’t see her ex backing off any time soon so i’m backing off for now.

Che sarà sarà

Donors and Dysphoria

A couple from my football team are asking friends on Facebook for help finding a sperm donor so they can have a child together.

I forgot that, as much as i feel male tonight, i don’t have sperm. So i was pretty disappointed when i realised i won’t be able to actually donate for them. They’re such a lovely couple, i really am gutted i can’t help.

I’m also really gutted that it’s triggered my dysphoria >.< I keep nearly expressing my gender identity in person and on Facebook to my friends and family, i’m not ready. I should really try to be more careful.

i just shaved my legs for the first time since October…

I feel a little relieved which is a surprise to me. But i’ll have to wait and see if/how much it affects my dysphoria. It feels so strange having smooth legs again… I can say that i felt a little odd and dysphoric whilst shaving them, but the feeling of relief that the fuzz isn’t covering my skin anymore is greater than anything else. Let’s see how this goes.

Dream - 28/12/11

I had a dream last night where i was with a young family and we were about to leave to go to the markets. The family was made up of people from different shows or something as far as i remember. I know the cleaner from my work was there… odd. Anyway so we left the house and because in real-life i’m always the last one ready and i always manage to forget something, they were all asking if i was definitely ready to go. I said yes for felt like the millionth time and we left.

Shock horror, i realised i wasn’t wearing my binder. That wouldn’t have been a problem but i was also wearing my jeans that are cut off at the knee and a shirt that shows my armpits. Therefore all my furriness was on show and i needed to be in my binder to be comfortable. I panicked and said i needed it but we were already there (the magic of dream travel ay). So instead i just changed into another shirt and pushed my shoulders out a bit to hide my chest. Of course i had a spare shirt hanging out my pocket but not my binder, pfft.

It seemed to work, people were referring to me with male pronouns but there was a group of girls who could see right through me and were calling me up on it.

I do want to be able to go out in those jeans and a vest maybe, so i can just be me without covering things up. Sadly it’s the middle of winter so i will have to wait a few months. I’m guessing that’s where that part of my dream came from, it was a small part in a massive dream but i can’t make sense of the rest.

I kind of adore George O’Malley.

And the actor who plays him, T. R. Knight.

George, in Grey’s Anatomy, is the kind of guy i want to be. Even with his awkwardness, he’s just so kind and caring. He might struggle at times but he eventually stands up for what he believes is right and is there for people, even if he barely knows them.

There are aspects of his character that i already relate to greatly, which is mainly a pretty good thing because it’s mostly his good aspects; but i do relate to his not-so-good aspects too. The things he said to Meredith before they slept together are things i’ve said and meant, i love that he expressed those things. He comforts people, he was there for Dr Bailey throughout the time of her giving birth and was the one holding her the entire time.

I like his curly, flicky hair from the early seasons, if i could pull off that hair i’d go for it. I can’t lie, i find him attractive as a person.

He’s just lovely, he’s the guy i want to be like.

I was unusually dysphoric about being referred to with female pronouns today.

As much as i dislike, no, hate appearing feminine and having curves etc, i usually don’t get affected so much by being referred to with female pronouns. That’s especially when i’m not binding or trying to pass as male.

But today, every time my nan or some other relative referred to me as “she”, i felt a little upset and uncomfortable. I actually cringed a few times. It just wasn’t a good day as far as my dysphoria goes.

But now i’m sat in bed, watching my way through my Grey’s Anatomy DVD’s and i’m feeling like myself again. I can see and feel my legs, my unshaven legs, and it’s making me feel more comfortable with myself. More confident. There’s no-one here that i’m uncomfortable showing my true self to, no-one to make me feel embarassed about the way i present myself. Feeling happier right now =)

I need all of this gender dysphoria stuff sorted out.

I’m awkward enough as it is when it comes to meeting people and/or starting relationships etc without having to battle the complications of my gender and how they will take it.

It’s just constant decisions, dilemmas and awkwardness.

Not sure if this is a good/bad thing or what.

I’m not comfortable going out without my binder on and presenting as male or at least being extremely androgynous. Lately i really just don’t feel like i’m myself unless i’m hiding my curves and binding my chest.

I literally only wear about 3 of my shirts and have only one pair of jeans that i feel comfortable in. Because the other shirts are impossible to bind in and my other jeans exaggerate my hips and make me feel insecure.

Things would be so much easier if i had just been born with a straighter figure, a more androgynous figure.

But less of the moaning, i’m grateful that i’m in decent health and that i can at least do little things like binding to help with my dysphoria.

Dysphoria and fear.

I had another “jolt” of dysphoria today, courtesy of my colleague at work. No-one there knows about my gender dysphoria so i can’t exactly hold anything against them when they trigger it, they can’t help it at all.

All that happened today was that as i was leaving the building with one of my colleagues (who kindly takes me to and from work) and another colleague who was leaving earlier than normal, the second colleague said “see you tomorrow girls”.

Such a small thing but it really unsettled me and made me feel out of place. I wanted to correct her but i couldn’t. I really just don’t like being addressed as female, it gives me a majorly anxious feeling that is hard to shake for a while. But yet there are times when people refer to me as “she” and i barely even notice.

I guess maybe it depends on how self-conscious i’m already being and who is around/who is saying it. Doesn’t help that an incident from Friday night (or well, early Saturday morning) is still playing on my mind. I was alone and waiting for a taxi outside The Village up gaytown in Birmingham at 3am when two lads came past (completely drunk) and said “oi, are you a boy or a girl?”. They made comments as they carried on and were laughing and i was just shitting it, hoping they wouldn’t stop. I’d seen them shouting abuse at a group of girls just a few minutes before so they were already worked up. Thankfully they didn’t physically attack the girls, no idea what was going on though.

Meh, i hate being scared :/